11 months in

I still remember waking up on New Year's morning 2012, putting on my running tights and all my gear and driving to the Blue Hills Reservation to run a long, amazing trail run. It was my New Year's tradition. Running with a slight hangover and much less sleep than you should be allowed to run on.  I remember thinking that I didn't feel myself the days prior and thinking that my pelvis kind of hurt. I just figured it was left over from being sick over Christmas. I didn't really worry about.

I remember getting out and meeting this great trail runner named Mike, whom I had never met in person before. Trail runners are just nice that way. It's so much more social than road running. We went out running and I had this amazing run (including a near encounter with a Coyote...yes, a Coyote... not a Dog that looked like a Coyote). Although amazing, I remember grimacing in pain in a way that I hoped he didn't notice. It was like a shooting lighting bolt of pain was running up and through my pelvis. Every step hurt by 30 minutes in. I kept going because we all keep going. That is just what we do. We ran up and down hills that only 3 months before would have seemed like nothing. But by the end I was running with a limp, dragging myself behind him. I remember having to forcibly get off the trail and run on the road because I couldn't maneuver the rocks.  I got done with that run with a feeling I had never, ever felt before. It wasn't that feeling of wishing I had done better or that delicious feeling of exhaustion. It was a feeling of doom. This was serious and I could just tell. I didn't need to see a broken bone or blood to know that. I limped from my car to my apartment. I limped to the shower. I put my brand new running shoes in their box.
That was my last run. It was almost 11 months ago.

When I first went to the Doctor a few weeks after that New Year's Day run, I never ever thought I'd be sitting here still unable to run almost months later (with very little short term hope of doing so). In fact, I was so resolute that I'd be running by October that I signed up for the Chicago Marathon just a few weeks after my injury. 11 months seemed so far away. I had never met a runner who had been injured that long. That just doesn't happen. It just doesn't happen to people who are fit and train smartly. It surely wouldn't happen to me. My Doctors were even telling me I'd be running by March. That Boston Marathon was completely do-able. My hope was not falsely grounded.

But, alas, here we are and it is almost November. I wake up most days still full of that hope as I put on my hip belt that I wear 24/7 and smells like Chorine no matter how much I wash it. I think I smell permanently like Chorine. I wonder if that will ever go away?  Other days it's tougher. Not impossible. Just tougher. I try not to be resentful.  I remind myself that resent is a nasty thought that won't help this cause.

So, it's been a journey. I don't want to forget all the things I've learned. So, here it is:

January: I learned that the body always has the final say. No matter how strong the mind is.
February: I learned that Doctors do not have all the answers. I learned that not knowing is definitely worse than knowing.
March: I learned commitment on an entirely different level than before. Commitment to getting well takes something more than commitment to race.
April: I learned that Cortisone shots into your pubic bone are awful. Going to work afterwards is even worse. Watching the Boston Marathon the week after your Cortisone shots and knowing they didn't work is the absolute worst.
May: I learned about losing hope deep within you while keeping your head up.
June: I learned about Doctor's telling you that they can't help you anymore.
July: I learned about a Doctor that would help me.
August: I learned that Prolotherapy is way worse than Cortisone Shots and Ultra marathons combined. I learned about friends who are willing to hold your hand as you cry on an operating table.
September: I learned about friends who would do anything to help.
October: I learned to stop waiting to get better.
November: THAILAND (I'm leaving in 1 week)



THAILAND. This is my November.