Fading memories

The mind is a beautiful thing and something I cherish every day. But, it also can be decisively cruel and healing at the same time. Painful memories eventually fade, but so do incredible ones. I wish I could have a pause button on those memories I wish could never fade, while a fast forward button for those I wish to move along quicker. Unfortuately, we do not. And time moves on, creating new memories, forgetting those that are behind us, and some how moving us all forward.

I woke up this morning with a painful realization. I simply cannot remember what it feels like to run. I cannot imagine how it feels or what it feels like. I never thought this moment would come and I'm shocked, saddened, and lonely by the thought. Running is the one thing I wanted to be integrated with forever...never at fear for its loss. But, alas, its happened and I am a different person than I was only a year ago. Saddened by a loss. Even saddened by the loss of the memory.

I often have taken time to wish/hope/pray that something will change. That all my hard work in PT, water running, 1000s of dollars, months and months of Prolo injections and bed rest would some how pay off. It sucks when hard work doesn't. It sucks when things just aren't fair. My Dr says I've made progress. But, I can tell that if someone asked me to run, it would hurt bad. Really bad. That isn't progress.

Next month I am headed to Platelet Rich Plasma as my next form of treatment. A more painful, more expensive, and more intense treatment. I mean it's about walking at this point-- money is no object any more. But, what would you do? Just give up? Stop? I don't know. I just can't.

But, I have to ask myself. When your memory of what you are fighting for fades, is that your mind's way of easing the pain? It is the mind's way of telling you to just give up the fight?

I really hope not.

Perhaps this is why I filmed this video. To try to always remember.